MACD 5/MACD 5.bin/workbench/blankery/swazblanker26/blankers/data/quotes/oneliners

Text File | 1995-01-25 | 10KB | 310 lines

\* QUOTES FILE
\* One Liners
\*
%%
Q. What is worse than a bull in a China shop?
A. A dingo in a nursery.
%%
Q. What has six legs and runs around Ayers Rock?
A. A dingo with a baby in its mouth.
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Q. What are test-tube babies most afraid of?
A. A dingo with a straw.
%%
Q. What is the definition of suspicion?
A. A dingo pushing a pram around Ayers Rock.
%%
Q. Why did the dingo eat the little girl?
A. She was dressed up like a dog's dinner.
%%
Q. What is the definition of revenge?
A. A baby with a dingo in its mouth.
%%
Q. What do you call two babies in a pram on the top of Ayers Rock?
A. Meals On Wheels.
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Q. What did one dingo say to the other dingo as they stood outside the tent at Ayers Rock?
A. Shall we eat in, or take away?
%%
Q. What do vegetarian dingoes eat?
A. Cabbage Patch Kids.
%%
Q. Who taught Grace Kelley to drive?
A. Edward Kennedy.
%%
Q. What is red and travels at 50,000 kilometres per hour?
A. An apple for the teacher.
%%
Q. When is the next shuttle going up?
A. On the Fourth of July.
%%
Q. What was the Australian theory for the shuttle disaster?
A. A dingo with a jet-pack.
%%
Q. What is the difference between a crocodile and a dingo?
A. Crocodiles prefer older women.
%%
Q. What do you do if you see a crocodile with a string hanging out of it's  mouth?
A. Give it a yank.
%%
Q. What is the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A. The pigeon can still afford to leave a deposit on a Ferrari.
%%
Q. What do you call a yuppie stockbroker?
A. Waiter.
%%
Q. What do you call a stockbroker with a smile on his face?
A. Retired.
%%
Q. What is rusty and leans against Canterbury Cathedral?
A. Terry Waite's bicycle.
%%
Q. What's the difference between Salman Rushdie and a corpse?
A. About two weeks at the most.
%%
Q. What's the difference between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match?
A. They serve beer at an English soccer match.
%%
Q. Why do Chinese tanks have handbrakes?
A. For parking on the slopes.
%%
Q. What does it cost to educate the average Chinese student?
A. Two bullets.
%%
Q. What is harder to get than toilet paper in Moscow?
A. A student loan in Beijing.
%%
Q. Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side?
A. He's all right now.
%%
Q. How do you identify a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
%%
Q. How does a blind parachutist know when he's near the ground?
A. When his dog's leash goes slack.
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Q. What's so great about being a test-tube baby?
A. You get a womb with a view.
%%
Q. Why are synagogues round?
A. So the Jews can't hide in the corner during the collection.
%%
Q. What do you get when you cross a Jew with a Gypsy?
A. A chain of empty stores.
%%
Q. Was it Russian weaponry or Russian tactics that lost the Six Day War for the Arabs in 1967?
A. The tactics.  They kept retreating and waiting for the winter.
%%
Q. Why did the war between the Jews and the Arabs only last six days?
A. The Jews only hired the uniforms for a week.
%%
Q. Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?
A. You wind it up and it walks into the wall.
%%
Q. Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's nappies?
A. So she could find him.
%%
Q. Why did Helen Keller have yellow legs?
A. Her dog was blind too.
%%
Q. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six - one to do all the work and five to share in the experience.
%%
Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
%%
Q. How many sociologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one - but the bulb has got to want to change first.
%%
Q. How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. What makes you think a light bulb can be changed anyway?
%%
Q. How many fashion designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - they just mount a huge advertising campaign proclaiming that this year "dark" is in.
%%
Q. How many KGB agents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three - one to hold down the bulb and two to apply the electrodes.
%%
Q. How many radical feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two - one to change the bulb and one to write a book about the passive role of the socket.
%%
Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. How many do you think?
%%
Q. How many punsters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - a light bulb is just a filiment of your imagination.
%%
Q. How many software analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None - it's a tradesman's problem.  Software analysts are too important to do such menial work.
%%
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two - but it's difficult to get them in there.
%%
Q. How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They don't know how to - it's a hardware problem.
%%
Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six - one to do all the work and five to write a song about how good the
   old one was.
%%
Q. How many DEC technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four - one to do all the work and the other three to hold all the manuals.
%%
Q. How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Billions and billions.
%%
Q. How can you tell when the aeroplane that has landed is full of Poms?
A. When the pilot turns the engines off, you can still hear the whining.
%%
Q. Why is E.T. better than a Pom?
A. E.T. went home.
%%
Q. What is the difference between Queensland and yoghurt?
A. Yoghurt has an active culture.
%%
Q. Why do they drink XXXX in Queensland?
A. They're too stupid to spell BEER.
%%
Q. What lives at the bottom of the ocean and hates coloured fish?
A. A Ku Klux Klam.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a Swiss admiral and a Hoover vacuum cleaner?
A. The Hoover vacuum cleaner sucks and sucks and never fails.
%%
Q. What's the difference between pigeons and mountain goats?
A. Pigeons muck up fountains.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a girl coming out of a bath and a girl
   coming out of a church?
A. The girl coming out of church has a soul full of hope.
%%
Q. What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
%%
Q. What is the difference between a cross-eyed archer and a constipated owl?
A. The cross-eyed archer shoots but can't hit.
%%
Q. How does Batman's wife call him for dinner?
A. Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner - Batman!
%%
Q. What do Jack the Ripper and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A. The same middle name.
%%
Q. How did Humpty Dumpty die?
A. Shell shock.
%%
Q. What do you call a dog with wings?
A. Linda McCartney.
%%
Q. What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
A. Beethoven's last movement.
%%
Q. What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A. Dung.
%%
Q. How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
A. Blow a boogie in it.
%%
Q. Why did the computer cross the road?
A. It was programmed by the chicken.
%%
Q. Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A. To get to the other ... um ... er ...
%%
Q. How do you tell the difference between Computer Scientist and a normal person?
A. Get them to count. The Computer Scientist is the one that starts from zero.
%%
Q. What goes black white black white black white black white black white black white thump?
A. A nun falling down the stairs.
%%
Q. Did you hear about the Ronald Reagan electronic typewriter?
A. It has no memory and no colon.
%%
Q. What's the best way to see Melbourne?
A. Through the rear view mirror.
%%
Q. What do you get after two days of rain in Sydney?
A. Monday.
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Q. Did you hear about the lawyer?
A. He got legal AIDS.
%%
Q. What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A. Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be one hell of a blow.
%%
Q. What's the definition of a quickie?
A. Now this won't hurt a bit, didn't it!
%%
Q. What is the definition of an alcoholic?
A. Someone who goes to a topless bar just to get a drink.
%%
Q. What is green and is found on trees in the jungle?
A. Elephant snot.
%%
Q. Why don't you go walking through the jungle at two o'clock in the morning?
A. Because the elephants sleeping in the trees fall out and squash you.
%%
Q. What is the main difference between an elephant and a prune?
A. Their colour.
%%
Q. Why did the elephant go to bed in his red pajamas?
A. His blue ones were in the wash.
%%
Q. What is green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A. A billiard table.
%%
Q. What's white on the outside, green on the inside, and hops?
A. A frog sandwich.
%%
Q. What's green and red and goes round at 1000 rpm?
A. A frog in a blender.
%%
Q. What is yellow and points north?
A. A magnetic banana.
%%
Q. What is yellow and dangerous?
A. Shark-infested custard.
%%
Q. How do you stop a rooster from crowing on a Monday morning?
A. Eat it on Sunday.
%%
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No idea.
%%
Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no idea.
%%
Q. What is yellow, smells of bananas, and is found in trees?
A. Monkey vomit.
%%
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. It was dead.
%%
Q. Why did the possum fall out of the tree?
A. It was stapled to the koala.
%%
Q. How did the kangaroo break its leg?
A. It tripped over the dead koala.
%%
Q. What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind as it hits the windscreen of a car?
A. It's arse.
%%
Q. Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
A. Where you left it.
%%
Q. What does a walrus have in common with tupperware?
A. They both like a tight seal.
%%
Q. Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
A. He heard the referee was blowing fouls.
%%
Q. How do you make a Maltese Cross?
A. Jump on his foot.
%%
Q. How do you make a Venetian Blind?
A. Poke him in the eye.
%%
Q. What's black and hops through the bush?
A. Skippy in a bushfire.
%%